The next thing is making sure that you, your husband and your potential guest not just have chemistry, but . If your guest for your upcoming threesome is from the apps, then I’d recommend that you, your husband and your potential guest star meet up on a date for a vibe check – and this part is crucial – on a day when you are not going to go back and fuck. r. Considering the potential stakes, you want to do this when you have time to let things percolate, rather than feeling the pressure of “well, we’re gonna do this tonight, so let’s get through this part and get straight to it.”

Part of this due diligence meeting should be about laying some ground rules – ones that you and your husband should work out between yourselves in advance. One of the things that often helps people who are having a bout of nerves before their first threesome is to have some guidelines about what is or isn’t permitted with the third. This includes what you both expect: is this supposed to be your husband and your guest star lavishing all the attention on you, on your husband, both of you teaming up on the guest, or what. Being up front about what you expect, how you want it to play out and what is and isn’t permitted (and for whom) takes away a lot of the uncertainty and worry. It’s a lot easier to relax and be in the moment when you know what to expect, rather than assuming it’ll all be fine and getting an unpleasant surprise at the worst possible moment.

Speaking of which: there is almost always a part in threesomes where it becomes a twosome for a bit. It’s as much about logistics and the limits of who’s got how many bits and the ability to multitask as it is about one person REALLY getting into the other. Ideally this happens in such a way that everyone feels like they’re getting roughly equitable amounts of attention, but that’s hard to organize in the moment. It’s important to a) realize that this is likely to happen and b) not to freak out about it. You don’t necessarily want to insist that they include you (or you two include the other) immediately, but also you don’t want to let it go on for so long that folks start feeling hurt or neglected or left out. If one person is feeling left out, it’s ok to gently say “hey, don’t forget I’m here…” and let things get centered as a threesome instead of a couple with a third wheel in the room.

Another thing to work out in advance is how you’re going to handle things afterwards. One of the worst things that can happen in a threesome is when the couple treats the third like a toy instead of a person. While I know it can feel a bit awkward in the post-orgasmic clarity, you don’t want to just hand them their clothes and push them to the door. This is a horrible thing to do to a friend or a stranger. I’d recommend having a plan in advance about what happens afterwards and making the arrangements in advance. An ex, for example, might stay over in the guest room, if you have one. Or you may all agree to get a hotel room so you don’t necessarily have the awkwardness of a stranger in your space. Again, these are things you should discuss with the third when you’re having your vibe check date, so that this doesn’t come as a surprise afterwards and someone gets the short end of the stick as everyone scrambles to figure out what to do now.

You don’t say if you’re poly or non-monogamous or not, so I would , either before or afterwards. If, after a successful threesome, you or your husband talk things through and agree, that’s one thing. But if you don’t already have a baseline of experience with non-monogamy, I’d suggest holding off; the risks of someone tripping over their junk and causing problems is just too high.

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